Looking for company with struggling with OCD

[PugsaremyfavoriteMember]

Hi,

 I just joined this after a few days of struggling horribly with my OCD. I am struggling with the pure OCD currently regarding fear of losing control and harming myself. Then, after the millions of thoughts about this, I begin to wonder: do I really want to do that? And, then I question the meaning of life, is God good, is it all worthwhile…but I feel like I wouldn't go into all of the existential thinking if I could just have the damn initial self-harm thoughts stop. In my heart and gut, I don't feel depressed and would feel like I could enjoy life okay if that circuit was stopped in my brain. I am seeing an OCD specialist and she has me in the stage of trying to accept the thoughts without reacting, but that is so hard because I immediately jump into the existential thinking of is life worth living….and then that thought process brings me to rumination….I can function okay, but I just hate how insidious these thoughts are. Because even when I think, I would never end things because of my family, then my brain goes into questions of how do you know you wouldn't forget about everyone in this reality and not feel bed. So, the one thought that I try to hold to help me persevere becomes attacked with the doubting OCD regarding it. I tell myself that this is all in my brain because I want to have another baby and do many other things in my life, so clearly I am not suicidal but the OCD is so harassing, it wears me out and I want to sleep and wake up with that part of my brain gone. Can anyone relate to the doubts always trying to reach beyond any new thoughts that helps you?

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